autism music

Why Everclear is My Favorite Band

I had a rough time growing up. My mother was severely mentally ill and addicted to alcohol. Alcohol changed her into a mean and nasty person. She said some things that I still can’t shake from my mind. Fortunately, my step-father came into the picture when I was still young. This made my life a little bit easier, but I was still what you may call neglected. After all, my step-father had to take care of my mother most of the time.

One day, during my senior year at an alternative high school in NJ, a friend started playing the radio during physical education. Father of Mine by Everclear was the song playing, and I was immediately hooked. It explained my life perfectly and I felt like Art Alexakis was singing right to me.

As time went on, I familiarized myself with Everclear’s earlier music, and even got into the cowpunk band, Colorfinger, that Art Alexakis led before Everclear existed. Every song resonated with me somehow, some way. Even songs like Heroin Girl that weren’t necessarily about my life circumstances, made me feel alive inside. I no longer self-injured like I used to; I listened to Everclear instead.

I should mention that during all of these years, I was not yet diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Looking back, I realize that Everclear was definitely my longest running Special Interest. Now I am so grateful for this because I might not even be alive if it weren’t for Everclear’s songs being “there for me” whenever I needed them.

One of Everclear’s rawest songs is called Fire Maple Song. It has lyrics that are riveting and Alexakis’ voice is so full of emotion it might make you cry.

Today I wrote a message to Art on Facebook. I doubt he’ll even have time to read it, but I wanted to let him know how grateful I am for Everclear’s music having got me through some of the most trying times in my life.

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Am I Toxic?

Good morning! I try to make it a point to write here, as much as possible. This is even when I don’t feel I have much to say. I prefer writing in the morning because I have more spoons (kind of like energy) during this time.

I just took my gabapentin and muscle relaxer, so I expect I may have to go back to sleep soon, too. Still extra tired, I have yet to get my fancy mask for sleep apnea.

I’ve been having panic lately, and derealization while driving. So, I decided to stay home this morning. I usually do a bit better driving in the very early morning or late at night (however, I’m usually asleep at this time) because there aren’t as many vehicles on the road. Less stimulation = less panic if I do experience derealization. If you’re wondering what derealization is like for me, it’s kind of like being Alice in Wonderland. I begin to see things as flat and blurred. That’s the best way I can explain it now.

This morning I began having sad thoughts about my former therapist and his decision to effectively befriend me, and then tell me he’d no longer respond to anything I ever sent him again. In other words, termination. I sometimes wonder if he thought I had some severe personality disorder and so had to do a “no contact” type of thing with me, as many do to ward off toxic people. Am I toxic? I sometimes wonder.

I must mention that I absolutely have enjoyed reading other blogs on WordPress and additional sites. If you comment here or like my posts regularly, or even not regularly, please do make me aware of your blog if I’m not already.

Until next time,


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Best Night of Sleep, Ever.

Wouldn’t you know – I slept “like a baby” last night during my sleep study. I still woke up a lot, but it was a nice, deep sleep when I did. I think it has a lot to do with the environment: a nice, soft bed with several fluffy pillows. It inspires me to buy new pillows, as they make a lot of difference. The hospital kicked me out at 5:30 this morning! I thought they’d at least let me sleep in. Ha!

Today’s blog post may seem boring, but guess what: I had a delicious lunch of lentils, tomatoes, and spinach. I’ve not always felt like making elaborate meals these days, so I just eat simply. I’m now stuffed! And I have treated myself to a Dr. Zevia. It’s like Dr. Pepper, but made with Stevia.

I lost another pound, so it’s about 20 pounds gone now. I just wish it would show more, at least on my face. When I went to rub my chin, which is a habit, I did notice it felt like less chin under there.

Until next time!

autism mental illness Schizoaffective Disorder writing

Bye, Bye, Goodbye, I Tried:

I tried to make things right. I tried to be friends. I tried to be lovable, and maybe I was. But it wasn’t enough. I tried to make you laugh, and often did. The biggest parts of yourself, those most private, you hid. But I know that the uglier you got, the more I loved. And that’s just how my heart works.

Nothing I can do or say will make you believe that I’m just a down-to-earth kind of woman, deep down. Peel away the layers, and you may cry, as if I were an onion, but they’d be happy tears. You’ve watched me grow, and retain the goods, throughout the years.

I can’t help but rhyme when I write. It’s one thing I always got right. Oh, that was so cheesy, but the sight of you, now only in my memory, never ceases to please me.

What a morning: I retained 4 pounds of water since yesterday. And who says popcorn is “good for you”?

Part of my goods I’ve got is this amazing ability to hold on to hope. Hope that one day, you’ll cross my path, and I’ll cross yours. I’m not delusional, I just have these dreams, right?

So, I leave you with this song. Only half-relevant to anything we’ve gone through. But more, a pleasant melody for you to possibly try out on your hi-fi. For that is much better use of your time, than what?

autism bipolar mental illness psychology Schizoaffective Disorder

I’m Not “Crazy”

I may be a bit weird, intense, in my own head, blunt, etc., but I am not insane or crazy. And I wouldn’t hurt a fly, as they say, because I have too much empathy to deal with that kind of thing.

However, some people from my past have treated me as if I am a person to be feared, whether it be after I revealed a (then) Bipolar diagnosis or bluntly told them they’re amazing or something better. I am not going to name people from the past who’ve effectively blocked me from their lives, but it’s been enough that it has left a huge, open wound that I hope will someday merely be a scar.

Being different, being autistic, having mental illness, saying what’s in my heart or on my mind, has only caused trouble.

But I’m not trading myself in for a more “normal” version of myself. In my blood (because it runs in the family), is this thing that says I can only be authentic. So, I’m in for lifetime of hurt if I don’t learn how to become less attached or love so deeply.

Honestly, I am not crazy. I might be crazy, but in a good way, and a way that not everyone gets to know. For those who do, I am forever grateful.

alcohol autism

Two Months Sober and it Feels Like Forever

As of today, I’ve been two months sober. It may not seem like a lot to you, but it sure feels like it’s been a long time, to me.

What a beautiful day — outside — the weather, you know? I sure miss having the buzz I used to get from alcohol. It’s not yet getting easier, but is becoming more normal. And to top it off, I’d love a nice clove cigarette to suck in until the buzz in my brain feels even buzzier, and I don’t have to deal with all of the pain and loneliness I do every day. I can just, for at least a while, not have a care in the world.

Sitting with my emotions, and not stuffing them with alcohol or food is no easy thing. But I believe it’s paying off, and will, more and more every day.

Oh, and Happy Autistic Pride Day! I wonder what percentage of autistics also have (even if undiagnosed) Alcohol Use Disorder. I’d guess it’s pretty common, as many of us have likely used alcohol to combat things, such as social anxiety.

In other news, things I am grateful for right now:

  • Peter
  • My willpower
  • The Beatles Station
  • My increasing tan (I become a little more tan every day, and I think it suits me)
  • Aldi (they have the best deals)
  • Dr. Joel Fuhrman

And more.

autism bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder weight loss

My New Psychologist Ignores Autism

I have a somewhat new psychologist who is nice-ish, but we definitely don’t click like I did with my last therapist. The thing that irks me is that every time I mention anything about being autistic or autism, she changes the subject. She doesn’t acknowledge it.

My diagnosis, according to her, is Schizoaffective Disorder (bipolar type). Oh, and now Alcohol Use Disorder. However, I don’t see why both can’t apply. Not everyone has to fit neatly into a box. I just don’t know if she understands how important it is that I express myself as an autistic.

In other news, I have been creative lately, but not sleeping. I’ve been manipulating photos of my face, mainly. Ha.

I’m also following the Eat to Live, Nutritarian plan by Dr. Joel Fuhrman for overall health and weight loss. However, I’m still going through the steps required to possibly have bariatric surgery down the line. I may find that losing it without surgery is possible, though.

Until next time, xoxo.

autism bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder

A Stable Mood and Dull Days

I haven’t written in some time, and mostly because I don’t currently have Internet access at home. I’m writing from work now, during a slow time. I work as an administrative assistant, so I’m usually very busy.

My mental health has been good. Well, except for one time when I couldn’t take my Effexor for two days. Anyone who’s ever been on it knows what I mean.

I just found out my therapist is back in the office after a long absense due to illness. I’m so happy he’s back and I hope to see him very soon.

I’ll really try to write here more often, but life has been a bit boring lately (which is a good thing).

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I Heart Richard Simmons and Other Ramblings

Good morning, good evening, and good night, wherever you happen to be. It’s morning here. I already woke up and exercised! I’ve been Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons and it’s a lot of fun! It takes a lot for me to sweat, but I’m moving my body, which is what counts and is better than me sitting in my apartment most of the day. It happens to be snowing today, too, so I’ll be in my apartment most of the day.

Yesterday, I got an abnormal result on my mammogram, so they did an ultrasound and then determined I need a biopsy. I’m not too thrilled about that, but the doctor said it’s probably benign. Still, not excited.

I’ve been doing much better with my eating and not binge eating much or at all, really. I’ve come to realize that chewing is an autistic stim of mine AND I eat when I’m emotional, which is often, so it’s a double-whammy.

My doctor decided not to adjust my medication until she sees me in May (and maybe not even then). She really wants me to participate in an outpatient program for recovery that I’ve been reluctant to go to, as there was someone there who triggered me. But I don’t think that person would be there anymore, so I think I may give it a go.

Here is a YouTube video I used recently:

autism work

Seeking Work Before I’m Ready

Tomorrow I’m going to what’s called a reverse job fair. This means that the employers will be coming to me, instead of me going around to different employers. It seems interesting. Today I’m working on my one page resume and figuring out what to wear. I don’t have many clothes that fit me properly anymore or the money to buy much.

I’m not really ready to go back to work, but I need money and was denied SSI/SSD. I need some kind of income, so I will give part-time work a shot and see how it goes. There is an assessment for a software testing position coming up at the end of May that I want to do, but that’s a long time to wait for any sort of income. Perhaps I can still participate, as it’s just a week. I’d love to be a remote software tester. I had to pass a test and two interviews just to make it to this assessment. And this is a startup that aims to hire those on the autism spectrum and, in fact, has about 75 percent of their testers on the spectrum. However, you don’t have to be. You see, individuals who are autistic tend to have a keener eye for detail; much more so than a neurotypical person. But not always. There are always exceptions.

On a good note, I am not really nervous about the job fair tomorrow because I’m not that anxious about getting a job. So, there’s that.

This morning I got an x-ray on my ankle. I hope to figure out what’s going on with it, so I can go for regular walks and exercise more! Walking is a big part of how I get my exercise. I dislike limping, especially when I feel like I may have a broken ankle and not know it. I have no idea how this happened, either.

Song of the day: