Categories
anxiety health psychology

Driving Issues and Other Stuff

I was supposed to go get my CPAP machine yesterday, but I rescheduled for Thursday morning (I’m less anxious during the morning). I only drove a short distance to the pharmacy to get my medication and some essentials like toilet paper.

I thought about writing yesterday, but like I said, I was anxious and there wasn’t a whole lot I could think to write about. I did get a call from social services, though. It was a lady who said she was supposed to be off work in three minutes but wanted to make sure I wasn’t sleeping on the streets. I told her I was okay, and that I just don’t have a permanent address and need help as soon as I can get it.

There’s a big part of me that thinks I may do well in a group home, but my ego says I should be living on my own. If I live in a group home, am I automatically less functioning? Or, is that just how functioning I am, regardless of where I live. If that makes sense.

This morning I’m heading to Physical Therapy. I don’t really want to go because I know I have a lot to do around the house and I may not feel motivated once I get home from my appointent.

Yesterday I received a beautiful resin pendant that I ordered from Etsy from Kiti. I absolutely love it! Thank you! I wrote you a note through the “contact me” on WordPress.

When I get home I must do some more clearing out of my room. It’s still cluttered and only contributed to my anxiety issues. I’ve been watching the show Tiny House Nation, which has inspired me to really only keep essentials.

I hope you all have nice days!

Oh, Ashley, I also wrote you a note through “contact me”, so let me know if you received it or the best way to contact you regarding a book.

Until next time,

Jackie

P.S. – Sorry about the enormous photo. I’m not sure how to resize on here.

Categories
psychology psychosis Schizoaffective Disorder

When a Dream Turns into a Delusion and then Turns into Reality

I’ve been struggling a lot, emotionally, for the last couple of days. The day before yesterday was the worst. I spent most of the day crying so much that my stomach hurt. It hit me, all of a sudden, and I realized my therapist hadn’t been in love with me for all of those years. How did I maintain such a belief (delusion) for so long, and what woke me up?

I told my former therapist that I knew he was actually in love with me, a few times, and he never said he wasn’t. He just let me hold that belief and carried on as if things were normal. We talked about other things. I believe this is how therapists are trained. They’re trained to NOT debate the delusional patient. They go along with it. But is this really the way it should be? Would I have been spared such anguish had I hit reality sooner? Or, would I have held on to this belief, even when told “no” about it?

Part of me still believes it, even though reality has sort of hit and I’m afraid of what will happen when reality fully presents itself.

Have any of you who have had psychosis had reality suddenly hit you? I’m kind of curious about how common this is in people with delusions. Or, do most people never fully understand reality? Again, I’m feeling like Alice in Wonderland. What is real?

Well, I have to get going now and start my day. It only took me a couple of hours to wake up with my coffee.

Until next time,

Jackie

Categories
homelessness Schizoaffective Disorder writing

Short, Short Bangs

Yesterday was what I would call a bad day, for sure. The worst in a long time! I cried an awful lot and found that I had little support, even after I reached out. I’ve been in this situation before and no one wants to know you when you’re homeless. They may be afraid you’ll ask them for a place to stay. Who knows.

I spoke with my psychologist last evening and she said a woman from S.P.O.A. contacted her recently and asked her if I was still interested in housing. So, after I told her (my psychologist) of my current situation, she said she’d email the woman right back after we were off the phone and tell her I am still interested. There are probably some criteria, aside from my diagnoses, that I must meet for housing, and I may have to begin by living with others in a group home type of setting.

This morning I decided to cut myself some bangs, and they’re a bit too short. They grow quickly, though.

I think I’m going to spend today relatively lazy and do some heavy cleaning tomorrow. I just feel like giving myself a much more pleasant day today,  recover from yesterday.

Until next time,

Jackie

Categories
homelessness mental illness Schizoaffective Disorder

Technically Homeless and Other News

I didn’t write anything yesterday because I was soooo very tired. I actually took a three hour nap at one point, too. It didn’t help that I had to be outside quite a bit and it was over 90 F and humid. I’m a heat wimp, for sure.

Yesterday, I went to physical therapy and we found out, through some exercises, that my leg nerve pain actually originates from trouble with my lower back. Now my back hurts, too. However, the Physical Therapist was actually quite nice and gave me some exercises to do at home. Now I have to go to PT twice a week for at least a couple of weeks. If things don’t improve much, I’ll need an MRI, and worst case scenario, surgery. I definitely do NOT want surgery.

In other news, I’m stressed! As of lately, I’m technically homeless. I do have a roof over my head for now, though. But I don’t have my own permanent address. So, I am applying for emergency housing assistance through the county. I’ve already applied for emergency housing through something called S.P.O.A., which stands for Single Point of Access. It helps people with mental illness and developmental disabilities, I believe.

Just in case you’re wondering why my living situation is as such, I’ve been living in a house with my stepdad that is on the same land as my stepdad’s friend’s weekend house. But my stepdad’s friend passed away a couple of days ago and his wife is moving to Mexico. So we actually both need a place to live, but I think my stepdad has it figured out for himself.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night, so might need another disorienting nap later today. Ha. So far, I’ve done my exercises (I do them twice a day) and I’ve listened to some music. Now, I must motivate myself to shower.

Until next time,

Jackie

p.s. – Pictured is me in my new mask. I got it from Lotus and Luna. They donate a mask to an essential worker for every mask bought and they help support Thai workers by giving them a living wage.

Categories
agoraphobia eating disorders psychology

Stayed Home Today and Other Riveting Things

I stayed home today. My anxiety level was just too much for me to be at work. Plus, the environment at work can be uncomfortable at times anyway. I drove to work to bring my step-dad some things he forgot at home, but then drove back home.

While home, I became very emotional due to a poor decision I made that I’m not ready to write about yet. But I ended up emailing my former therapist and regretting it almost immediately. Why can’t I just move on? Will I ever? What will it take for that to happen? I think if he actually talked to me I could’ve had more closure, but I’m still not sure.

My appetite is almost non-existent these days. I truly am eating to live, rather than living to eat. I even have to make sure I eat enough most days. It’s weird and new to me. It’s almost 4:30 in the afternoon, and I’ve only had a small breakfast sandwich and a cup of popcorn that I barely wanted.

I did the usual cleaning of the house today and not much else except watching a load of videos on YouTube about Narcissism. Most of them were on MedCirle and featured narcissism expert Dr. Ramani. She is amazing. I’ve learned a lot from watching her videos. My interest comes from the fact that I was once in a  “relationship” with a dangerous narcissist. He was my professor in college and nearly killed me. I often think he was also a sociopath.

Right now, I’m watching a show called Super Size vs. Super Skinny. It’s interesting, but also makes me wonder if it’s safe. Each show features two people with eating disorders: one person who overeats and the other who undereats. They make them switch diets for a long period of time. It just doesn’t seem like a good thing to promote.

Well, I’m off to prepare dinner soon.

Until next time,

Jackie

Categories
agoraphobia anxiety mental illness work

A New Disorder to Think About

Good day! Well, kind of good, I guess. It’s good considering I’m on my lunch break at work right now, and I made it this far. I feel quite anxious and I’m already tired, but I’m determined to last until 3 o’clock, when I go home.

I had a therapy session over the phone with my psychologist today. We spoke a lot about my anxiety surrounding certain driving situations and other times when I feel like there’s no escape route, and determined I have Agoraphobia. So, there’s another diagnosis on the check list to tackle. Ha!

Not much has happened at work today. In fact, I don’t think I’ve answered the phone even once. I could probably get away with leaving early, but I don’t think I will.

If anything exciting happens later, I’ll be sure to write about it here.

Until next time,

Jackie

Categories
anxiety psychiatry psychology therapy

A Lazy Day with Anxiety

I couldn’t make it to work today because I need to figure out something new for my anxiety first. I left a message for my psychiatrist, and emailed my therapist yesterday (I’ll call her after lunch today). I let them both know this is urgent and that I can’t continue to live this way. I hope they take me seriously because my quality of life isn’t as high as it could be.

I’ve been pretty lazy today, so far. I’ve been looking for sewing machines, but they’re sold out everywhere. Even at Sewing Machines Plus, where they’re apparently only selling the plus. I bought some cute fabric this morning for when I do get my sewing machine, or to use while hand sewing a project.

At least I’m in a decent mood today. It helps that Peter is just a chat away most of the time. Hopefully something is figured out so I can try working tomorrow. I’m sorry for the shorter post today, and hope to feel more writing in me tomorrow.

Until next time,

Jackie

Categories
alcohol anxiety mental illness

Debilitating Anxiety Issues

Seventy-seven days ago, when I went to detox and rehab to go off alcohol, I also had to go off my anxiety medication, which was klonopin. I think this is because they assume if you abuse alcohol, you may also abuse a benzo like klonopin. I never took more than I was prescribed, though, which was a very low, but therapeutic dose.

Lately my anxiety has been getting worse. I can barely drive anywhere unless it’s early in the morning and hardly any other vehicles are on the road. I think about drinking, daily. At least it would take an edge off. I think about tobacco smoking every day, too. Anything for some relief! My current anxiety meds just do not do it. They’re not as effective as a benzo.

How am I supposed to work, if I’m being realistic about my abilities right now? It’s not like I’m going to be able to function this way. I’m going to have to ask my psychiatrist to put me on something effective because I can’t live this way any longer. I’m only going to end up in the hospital if things continue to go downwards.

I actually looked online to see if I could buy klonopin without a prescription, but all of the sites that claim to be selling it look mega sketchy.

On a more upbeat note, did I mention that I’m buying a new sewing machine? I’m so excited! I can’t wait to learn how to make masks, in particular. My grandmother is actually going to send me money for it because she wants it to be a gift from her.

I hope everyone is having a nice day.

Until next time,

Jackie

Categories
weight loss work writing

How I Defeated A Weight Loss Stall and Other Things

Good day! Here in the US, it’s Independence Day. It’s just another somewhat mundane day for me, as I don’t celebrate. Yesterday was kind of a flop, so I think today I’ll make sure to engage in something creative, like I’ve been meaning to. I have an entire box that was sent to me as a care package, full of arts and crafts materials just waiting to be used.

I finally broke my weight loss stall! I figured out the problem: I wasn’t consuming enough calories, so my body must’ve stopped its metabolism, if that makes sense. So, I consumed more food yesterday and was down a pound this morning! It can sometimes be difficult to get enough calories, even if you’re eating a lot, on a whole foods plant based diet. At least in my experience.

Yesterday, I made the decision to ask my dad if he needed someone to work as a receptionist for him for just a few hours each week. It’s been really getting to me to be home alone every day, and I could really use some income. I don’t even get public assistance right now, so things are tight. We’ll see if I can do it. I’ll start next week.

Right now, I’m just preparing some tofu to bake. One of these days I’ll get a proper tofu press. I’m listening to music on YouTube before it’s ready. YouTube is really good at knowing what music I want to hear. It’s going to be very hot and humid today, so I’ll probably spend limited time outside.

Have a great day!

Until next time,

Jackie

 

Categories
alcohol health nutrition sobriety weight loss

Goals and Looking Forward

It’s only about 9 a.m. and I’m already feeling like this is a crappy day. I’m going to try to make it the best I can. However, I’m already irritable, sad, have cried, and have written an emotional email and sent it off to ex-therapist. I also stepped on the scale and I’ve officially stalled. I think it might be because I’m not eating enough calories. I’m going to experiment with that today.

Today is a gloomy, humid day. It threatens to thunder and lightning later. I’m currently sitting here in my half organized room (literally, half of it looks clean and then there’s an invisible line marking where the other half is a disaster.

As I was cleaning yesterday, I found the names and numbers of some of the women I was in rehab with. Now I’m friends with three of them on Facebook. One is going back to rehab today, and I’m not so sure if the other two are sober. It’s really not easy to stay sober. Sometimes I want to buy some cloves to smoke so I have something to take the edge off. But I resist. I have nothing but mostly raw vegetables, some cooked vegetables, fruits, legumes, nuts, seeds, and air to satisfy me.

I want more out of life than my current circumstances are providing. I’m going to try to figure out what I might be able to create in my world to look forward to; it’s important to have meaning in life, and — in my opinion — goals. At least one, that is.

You ever notice how sometimes you do make a goal (in my case it’s weight loss) and after a while you aren’t as excited about that goal? Sure, I’ll keep at my new lifestyle, but I want something new and exciting.

That’s all I have for now. I hope to write something about a new goal I may have made, later.

Until next time,

Jackie