Good morning! I sure hope that exciting title made you want to click on this blog post. Now, you’re here and I have your attention! I hope you’re all having decent mornings and bank holidays, if it applies to you. Here, everything is really back to normal.
My animal and house sitting job is over, and the owners seemed pleased. I was a bit anxious that everything wasn’t perfect, especially regarding the chicken coop. But I think I probably did more than was even necessary. I just become anxious sometimes.
I do feel a bit burnt out from the long weekend of working, so I’m going to reschedule my care management appointment this morning, and hopefully she won’t be super inconvenienced. She always seems to have a lot of work to do anyway.
A lot has been weighing on my mind these days. I’m supposed to move to England someday to be with my fiance — and eventually husband. But I’m not sure if my mental health/illness can handle it, the healthcare system doesn’t seem accommodating when it comes to medications and psychiatry from what my fiance says, and I just don’t know if I want to live in England away from my entire support system. It’s very stressful to think about all of this right now, so I’ve asked P if we can at the very least, take things slow.
Here is what I have going on here in the US:
A therapist I’ve been seeing for years who is just great.
A psychiatrist I’ve been seeing for many years.
Medications, including a monthly injection.
Two care managers.
Housing support through a mental health service.
It’s just very scary to think about moving away from all of that. Thanks for listening to my non-manic vent.
These days (about the last week or so), I’ve felt more stabilized after coming down from the antidepressant. That was really a genius move from my psychiatrist. However, I wish I felt happier. This may be my baseline. I have a workbook I got from the library called The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, MD. I’m going to work through it (it is a large book!). It’s a very popular cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) book. It’s important to use therapy along with medication. In my opinion.
So, overall, I am feeling a bit low, but okay. There are reasons I don’t feel I can discuss on here yet, but I will eventually.
I slept in today, as I didn’t feel the pep I used to that would make me want to spring out of bed. One reason is the lower dose of antidepressant, I’m sure, and another is this cryptic thing I cannot talk about yet. But stay tuned.
I did need to clean the chicken coop, feed them, give them water, collect eggs, feed the dog, the fish, etc., this morning, which kept my mind on something other than myself — which is good. This is a very nice house sitting job; they are vegan/vegetarian, and have the cupboards and refrigerator/freezer stocked with stuff for me to eat as I wish. Plus pay, and I get to be around animals, of course!
I did an exercise that my cousin said she’d done and I’m really glad. It is from a Teal Swan video about finding your negative imprint. I encourage you to watch the video that I post at the end of this entry and maybe you’ll find yours and realize your life’s purpose. Or, maybe you’ll think it’s a bunch of gobbledygook and won’t bother. Or, somewhere in between.
What I found is that mine is emptiness and the opposite of that; therefore, my purpose in life, is meaning or meaningfulness. There are other antonyms I could explore, too. It makes a lot of sense and is something I’m going to be more aware of from now on.
Yesterday, I had a job interview for a place where I would care for adults with developmental disabilities. I got all of the answers correct and did great during the interview. But I did tell the interviewer that I wasn’t keen on driving all day, and the job does involve basically driving all day. So, he may call later this morning and tell me I didn’t get the job or that I did. But if I did, I will have to decline. However, I have a meeting coming up to work at a nearby university, which I’d be thrilled to do.
In other news, my mood has been more stable, if just lower all around for the last few days or so. But at least I’m not having wild mood swings and hypersexuality followed by feelings of dread.
Or, am I? You never know with me. I think I didn’t write a blog post yesterday because I was so busy with the job fair and everything. It went well. I was offered two jobs. Well, one seemed like an offer (I’ll find out more today) and the other was definitely an offer. For the offered one, I have to do some homework, which is to write down every place I’ve lived in the last 28 years. And I’ve lived in many places! This is part of their criminal background checking. I think.
Anyway, I feel pretty good about it. The woman I spoke with is willing to give me ideal hours and a three day weekend. This means I can still go to therapy and other appointments, as needed.
My ankle x-ray came out fine, which means something else is wrong with it. It definitely hurts a lot when I walk, so we’ll see. I may need to see a physical therapist. I still haven’t received my blood test. I think I’ll be doing that tomorrow.
My apartment is so cluttered that I think I’ll work on cleaning it out today, too. That always helps me feel better. I’ll be back to write more when things are more exciting!
Tomorrow I’m going to what’s called a reverse job fair. This means that the employers will be coming to me, instead of me going around to different employers. It seems interesting. Today I’m working on my one page resume and figuring out what to wear. I don’t have many clothes that fit me properly anymore or the money to buy much.
I’m not really ready to go back to work, but I need money and was denied SSI/SSD. I need some kind of income, so I will give part-time work a shot and see how it goes. There is an assessment for a software testing position coming up at the end of May that I want to do, but that’s a long time to wait for any sort of income. Perhaps I can still participate, as it’s just a week. I’d love to be a remote software tester. I had to pass a test and two interviews just to make it to this assessment. And this is a startup that aims to hire those on the autism spectrum and, in fact, has about 75 percent of their testers on the spectrum. However, you don’t have to be. You see, individuals who are autistic tend to have a keener eye for detail; much more so than a neurotypical person. But not always. There are always exceptions.
On a good note, I am not really nervous about the job fair tomorrow because I’m not that anxious about getting a job. So, there’s that.
This morning I got an x-ray on my ankle. I hope to figure out what’s going on with it, so I can go for regular walks and exercise more! Walking is a big part of how I get my exercise. I dislike limping, especially when I feel like I may have a broken ankle and not know it. I have no idea how this happened, either.
These last few days or weeks or whatever (I’ve lost count) have been very difficult. I’m rapid cycling, as a medical professional described it when I told her of my symptoms. I’d much rather be the same mood for a longer period of time. When I’m hypomanic or manic, I feel like I am drunk without the alcohol and say and do weird things that I regret — sometimes fairly quickly.
Yesterday I spent much of the day thinking about writing my suicide note, how that would impact others, why I should, why I shouldn’t, how much dirty laundry I had that others would have to deal with, and more. It was not a good day. I feel myself slipping into something worse and feel guilty for feeling this way when others are fighting for their lives. However, Schizoaffective – Bipolar is a brain disease and needs to be remembered as such for me to treat it as such.
It may not have helped that yesterday I drastically cut down on my caffeine intake and my antidepressant was cut in half due to my “ups” being a bit high at times. It was a double whammy. I also dealt with rejection that triggered memories of my mother rejecting me, which I really feel I ought to be over by now.
In greater news, I’ve been inspired by a YouTuber to begin Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons. How fun will that be? It seems like a fun way to get in shape. I’ll give it a go after I find out what’s wrong with my ankle, of course. Or, I can be gentle on my ankle to start.
I just don’t know anymore. I sometimes send a friend request to someone I think is a potential friend, and get denied. They don’t even supplement it with a message saying why. Not that they must, but it would be nice and something I would do. But we can’t always expect others to do what we would do, can we? I think this is part of being on the autism spectrum — this not having a proper sense of who is your friend and who’s not. But perhaps others struggle, as well.
Will this entire day be sad? Probably not. I’ve been rapid cycling and/or in a mixed episode, so you never know what’s to come. It is very difficult, to say the least.
To top off this morning sadness, I’m not drinking four cups of coffee, as per ushe; I am drinking some Earl Grey now because I’ve already had two cups of coffee. Earl Grey is tasty, but just not the same. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, though.
So, I said a thing today that I care not to elaborate on, but it’s a result of hypomanic hypersexuality and I embarrassed myself and possibly someone else. No, I didn’t cheat on my fiance, but it was just weird.
My doctor is lowering my dose of antidepressant in an effort to see if we can level out my mood a bit more, as I may be too up at times, which results in crashes that are terrible.
I had a really long day today, which is why I wasn’t able to write as early as I usually do. There’s not much to say now, but probably more tomorrow once I’ve unwound from today.
I’m making a delicious dinner of vegetable pasta with tapenade hummus and tomatoes. I know — seems weird to put hummus with pasta, right? Wrong!
Sometimes I just don’t know what to title a post. I had a dental appointment this morning, but she was overbooked, so I rescheduled for this afternoon, but that didn’t work out either. But I am especially not in the mood to be at the dentist today anyway. So, another day and another time.
The other day at the doctor was a big wake-up call for me. I ended up finding out my weight, even though I didn’t want to. But I needed to. I need to be aware of how much I’ve gained in such a short time. I won’t be talking numbers here because I know how triggering it can be for some individuals, and everyone has their own journey.
Today I bought some groceries; nothing processed and strictly whole foods that are plant-based (vegan). When I eat this way, I can eat well and not worry about counting calories. I’m mindful of my nutrients, sure, but not obsessing over calories.
Yesterday, a RN from the mental health clinic called me and said I may be having emotional issues due to my injection wearing off a bit towards the end of its dose (I get another shot tomorrow). She said this is quite common. So, I look forward to some possible relief. And I’m doing much better off that other medication that was giving me terrible side effects.
I’ve been trying to cheer myself up lately by watching Impractical Jokers. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s four lifelong friends who play jokes to embarrass each other in public. The reaction of the people in public is what usually makes the jokes so funny, but they are silly men. I’d love to be part of a group playing jokes like that, if I could do them without laughing the entire time!