I’m Back! I Met a Sociopath!

I’ve been away for almost three months. What happened? I ended up hospitalized in one hospital, and then transferred to a state hospital about an hour away. The state hospital was very interesting and at times really tested my patience. However, I can say that I met a real, diagnosed sociopath there. His room was right next to mine and he looked the part. It was like something out of a documentary.

I’m also moving out of my apartment and in with my dad for awhile. I prefer not to live alone and think this will be good for me.

In other news, I have pneumonia. I went to the ER the other day with upper abdomen pain and left with this diagnosis  I’m mainly feeling tired now, but recovering just fine.

 

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Missing My Therapist and What’s Real Vs. Dream or Delusion

I just got home from traveling a bit this weekend. It took a lot out of me, physically and mentally. It feels good to be sitting here, able to type this.

It’s been almost one week since I left the hospital, yet somehow it feels like just yesterday. It’s Father’s Day, of course, and I am missing a man who is an example in my life of some of the things my father couldn’t be for myriad reasons, one being that they’re totally different and separate human beings. Yes, I miss my therapist. It must be about two months now that he’s been out of the office. I feel a pit of emptiness his presence usually fills. It’s difficult for me to remember that people still care, when they are not right there.

Having been through multiple misdiagnoses before properly being diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder – Bipolar Type (I’m still on the autism spectrum), I’ve been considering a lot about what this means. This means I experience symptoms of Schizophrenia, and, in my case, Bipolar Disorder (there is another type which experiences Major Depression).

One may believe that the symptom of Schizophrenia that may bother me most would be a hallucination of some sort. Don’t get me wrong, command hallucinations (voices telling you negative things to do) in particular, can be very frightening, but my medication typically keeps that kind of thing at bay. However, I still struggle with the occasional (or maybe even more) delusion.

Delusions can be understood to be so, just in hindsight, for when they are occurring, they are not “delusions” to their person at all, they are very real. I won’t get into the specifics of any of mine because I find them to be very personal, and tell only those I trust (one reason it took so long for me to get a correct diagnosis). But delusions – often linked to hallucinations of some kind – have a person with Schizoaffective Disorder (and other illnesses, too) wondering what’s real and what isn’t.

Is this new person in my life a delusion or real? Do they really like me or are they merely an acquaintance, if even? Is this food safe to eat, or not: has someone tampered with it? Is the world “out to get me”, as it has been in the past, or is this the mental illness speaking? Why do I go about life feeling like Alice in Wonderland sometimes? Well, I know the answer (my diagnosis), but that doesn’t make life any easier sometimes. I don’t write this looking for pity, but for understanding and acceptance of this less understood mental illness. When I ask you for a reality check, please be patient and kind.

Released From the Hospital

I’ve been out of the hospital for a couple of days now. I went to an outpatient day program for a couple of days so far. It was okay. I felt exhausted once I arrived home at the end of the day and ended up going to bed at 6 pm. I don’t know how people manage to work full-time, yet I used to just fine. I’m not the old me anymore.

My apartment is a mess! Today will be the first day I really have time to do much cleaning, and then I have a psychiatry appointment with Karen (don’t tell her I call her by her first name on here, please 😉 )

I’m definitely still single and know it’s the right thing, yet I have a lot of strong feelings about having ever stayed in the relationship in the first place. Peter was sometimes emotionally very cold and I would even say abusive emotionally (he, of course, denies it and mocks it) and I forgave him, over and over again.

Yesterday, I mentioned that I was pissed off that I spent some of the last of my child having years with him. He said someone with schizoaffective (he actually said “schizowhatever”) disorder probably shouldn’t have children anyway.

Well, I’m sure glad no one ever told my mother and/or she didn’t listen if they did, not to have children, because as difficult as it can sometimes be, I think my life is worth living. I am loved and here on Earth to love others and make connections, even if just online. Sure, people have their opinions about whether or not mentally ill individuals (why is it always the mentally ill, it seems?) should have children, but this was just the usual callous Peter I’ve come to expect.

You may be wondering why I was in contact with him. Well, I thought we could just be friends. But now I’m not even sure if that will be possible. You cannot change people. Especially people who make excuses not to do self-help or go to therapy (he says the NHS makes you wait years to see a therapist. Well, why not get on that waiting list?) I don’t know.

In other news, it’s nice to have more than two tiny cups of caffeinated coffee each day. I really need it with the lack of dopamine. Hopefully Karen will give me some dopamine today.

I hope you are all well.

In The Hospital

I’m currently in a psychiatric hospital and have been for about a week and a half. I am due to be discharged on Monday.

I won’t write much now, but I’m pretty lethargic, as I’m on more anti-anxiety meds than usual because I was throwing up due to nervousness. A lot.

I’ve gone on Invega injections now, instead of Abilify; we’ll see how that goes. I feel hopeful. I will also be attending an outpatient recovery day program a few days a week when I leave.

 

When You Have to Let Go

Today I had to let go of P. It was clear he was playing mind games with me, and I just can’t take it anymore, especially with all of the stress I’m under. Last week, I’d reached a point where I was in incredible financial difficulty and he said he was going to help. “Right after I have a bath and shave”, he said. After some time passed and I asked him if he was still going to help, he behaved like I was being a nuisance and told me I took things “too literally”. I said I do take people for what they tell me. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I don’t think that’s an autistic thing or “too literal”.

So, all of a sudden this week, P says, “I don’t want you as my wife”, which sure surprised me, but didn’t totally upset me because I’d been suggesting we just be friends for a while now anyway. However, when I asked him why this sudden, drastic change of heart, he said it’d probably be better explained via email. When I had the nerve to ask him about writing me that email, so I would have some sort of information, he said he was busy doing stuff, so “no”, he could not write that.

What I gathered from that interaction is that P is, like he has before, playing head games. He knows I wanted the information, but he wanted to make me wait. I just don’t even have room in my life to be friends with someone who treats me that way. So, I have blocked him. I will soon be blocking him on all accounts. I have a bunch of friends who say it’s “his loss”, but he doesn’t care. He cares about his new king size bed.

In other news, I applied for two jobs today that I think I would like, and I’m going to visit family after a meeting this afternoon. I almost thought I’d end up in the hospital yesterday, but I dodged it.

I hope you all are well!

 

Money (or having very little) Makes You Do Some Desperate Things

So, even though I was having panic attacks regarding the job I was hired for a few weeks back, I decided to give them a call and see if I could still work there. In fact, I can. And I will be, starting tomorrow. I really was in need of money. Rather than have other empty promises of people helping me out (which happened), I decided to just help myself. And I really do not want to go on public assistance. We’ll see how it all works out. I’m curious.

Today is Memorial Day and let us remember and honor those who have sacrificed. And, of course, eat a lot of hot dogs. Being vegan, I’ll have a smart dog.

Actually, I won’t. I am back on the Nutritarian lifestyle plan, which takes some work because you cannot really get many fast foods (like, the fastest would be eating just an avocado for a snack, maybe) but it’s really fulfilling to feel better and watch weight come off quickly, which I desperately need right now.

For those of you who are not in the know, Nutritarian is basically a whole food, plant-based diet that excludes oils and added salt, sugar, etc. I cheat by drinking coffee (because I think that’s not in the plan), but coffee is all I have right now, so you’ll have to pry it from my tight fists.

I hope everyone is having a swell weekend.

Dreams, Mine and Yours

In my dreams

My mother is never 80

Hair, long and flowing –

Smelling like strawberries.

Laugh like a big belly.

 

In my dreams

A man is always waiting

Arms open,

Smile inviting

This constant comfort.

 

In my dreams

I am often seeking

One thing or another,

Often in a hurry

Only to fall short

And wake up

 

In my dreams

No one cares

About the size of my thighs

Or the shape of my teeth

Asymmetry leads to chemistry.

 

In your dreams,

Does your mother grow older?

Do your stomach rolls matter?

Have you found what you look for?

Is your love a bit fatter?

 

In your dreams,

Have you spent time –

Trying to get out of them?

Think you’re awake,

But it’s all a big mistake.

You’re definitely awake –

Still a mistake.

And on and on…

 

My dreams have been.

They are.  

 

They’re not bad anymore.

Nor good.

 

They are dreams,

 

And I wonder –

 

What are yours?

Struggling for Words These Days

I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been busier than usual. I went to learn about my dad’s new business for a couple of days, and then I came to an appointment to fill out some paperwork for temporary public assistance. I’m not thrilled about it, but don’t want to end up homeless again. In the meantime, I’m searching for a job I can have nearby that doesn’t give me panic attacks thinking about the actual work. I’m also — as suggested by several — reapplying for SSD.

My therapist is still out sick, but I’ve been seeing his manager, who is a really nice woman. I think I mentioned her in a previous blog, and how I guessed her MBTI (she’s an INFP) right away because that’s one of my creepy talents. 😉

Also, I just don’t know exactly what I want to write about. It was easier when I was in the mixed episode for some time. I always knew exactly what to write about. But now that I’m more stable, things may seem a bit more boring.

I started the show Schitt’s Creek yesterday, and thought it was funny and enjoyable. It’s a Netflix Original. I cannot wait for After Life, season 2 to start whenever it does. I think Ricky Gervais is a hunk. Wink, wink.

I’m going to caffeinate myself some more now. Until next time.

Feeling Loser-ish but Better

Well, I missed my first couple of shifts at my new job because I was having panic attacks. I’m supposed to show up for work this evening, and I’m trying to stay as calm as possible until then.

My care manager (one of them) is getting on my nerves. I’m going through all of this crap, and had to cancel seeing her, and I could tell she was annoyed. I told her I’m lucky I’m not in the hospital right now. Then she praised me for doing whatever it is that I’m doing (who knows) to stay out of the hospital.

I just have a calendar that is full of appointments, and it would be nice if some of them could be close to each other, so I don’t have to drive back and forth so often, with little money for gas as it is.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rants.

I hope to have more to report that is exciting, soon!

Happy Caturday

Cat Stevens, each and every Saturday and more, that is.

I got some good news, but I have to be vague about it, but let’s just say things are looking better.

Except my anxiety today regarding my first shift at work had me calling out. My first shift! I must go tomorrow, whether I’m panicking or not. However, I think tomorrow will be a much better day in many ways.

Gotta run for now!